Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
