What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Randomize
