Sry I called you an 8
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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