Ambien. No doubt about it.
Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
