So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
