planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
