is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
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