guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
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