There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
