Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Tranny group. Dance off. Horse hair and dicks swinging. I. Cant. Unsee. This.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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