Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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