you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
