wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i may or may not have a boner. what are your thoughts
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
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