Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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