After last night, I could never be a politician.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Randomize