I faked an abortion last night.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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