Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Randomize