he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Randomize
