do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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