Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
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