ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
