I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
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