apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
porn star boner night. come get it.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
