I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
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