you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
