I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
