my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
