dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
