Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
