Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
