maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
