this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
