im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
On another note I am sitting in my bed naked, buzzed, and working on a notecard for my 8:00am test tomorrow. I think I need to make better choices.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
