You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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