Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
