Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
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