i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
Tbh I would eat a grilled cheese off your dick.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize