for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
