Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Randomize
