Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
SOME GIRL GOT MAGGOTS IN HER COOCH FROM EXPERIMENTING WITH MAYO!
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
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