it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
