Old men and throwing up are my life now.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
