That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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