I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
