We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
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