just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
My life is pants optional.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
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