I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize