Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
