i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
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