So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
