My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Randomize
