Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
