Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
