jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
You peed on a flamingo?!?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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