my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
We named our party play list daddy issues
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
The air was thick with penises
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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