How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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