Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Randomize
