my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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