there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
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