The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
