And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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