You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
