I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize