I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
