Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize