At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
