just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
